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5 ways to go scuba diving:

1: Only take one breath.

When people tell you a story about the time they went scuba diving, they always tell you that they had to fill their puff puff tank before diving so the evil flowing liquid won’t disintegrate your insides.

2: Just drink it.

If you’re scuba diving and you accidentally ingest the evil flowing liquid, just simply swallow it and take another breath. This will allow you to go for another 10 seconds before you have to take another breath. (Unless you’re one of those gifted people that can hold their breath for 10,000 hours…he whispered comically.)

3: Bring a disco ball with you.

Something else you should consider bringing with you in the ocean is a disco ball. Now people might tell you that this is pointless and maybe a little dangerous. But still do it cause what could possibly happen from bringing a SUPER shiny and SUPER reflective object into the water.

4: Bring red dye with you.

This won’t necessarily benefit your trip but you could pull A LOT of fun pranks with red dye in water.

5: SHARKFIE!!

When you go on an underwater expedition with your puff puff tank into the evil flowing liquid, the next cool thing is a selfie with a SHARK!! Find a shark..grab it’s mouth..pry it open..stick your head in and say….fish are friends not FOOD!!

Well there ya go, 5 ways to go scuba diving. I hope you use these tips the next time you go on an underwater expedition. Have a great day and we’ll see y’all tomorrow morning for more.

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McDonald’s Unrolls New “Dead Cow and Potatoes” Meal

McDonalds has been gaining serious traction for its recent “Spicy McNuggets” and “Triple Cheeseburger” menu additions. However, they’ve truly been saving the best for last. There’s no beating this ridiculously tasty offer from the Golden Arches.

The “Dead Cow and Potatoes” option will feature a dead cow sandwich, which will contain a dead cow patty, two cucumbers soaked in vinegar, ketchup, mustard, and processed cheese product. The dead cow sandwich will be accompanied by some fried potato slices, which are mass-produced in a factory full of sweaty middle-aged men and shipped to McDonald’s.

Thirsty? No problem! McDonalds has you covered. In addition to your Dead Cow and Potatoes, you can opt for a value meal, which comes with the aforementioned items, plus a fountain beverage! Nothing beats carbonated water mixed with a box of syrup from the McDonalds kitchen. Beat the heat with this amazing offer!

Well, what are you waiting for? Get your Dead Cow and Potatoes Value Meal today, while supplies last! (Or before the cow spoils.)

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Joe Biden Endorses Nationwide “7:00 pm Curfew” Mandate

Well, it’s been quite a week. Shortly after his endorsement of a nationwide mask mandate, Joe Biden, (who is old,) went the extra mile, recommending a 7:00 pm curfew for the entire nation. The following comments by Biden, (who is old,) were made last Tuesday:

“These here whippersnappers are too energetic! Back in my day, we didn’t even have alarm clocks! We had, uh, you know, the thing? With the water? Oh yeah! A garden hose! We’d use that thing all the time. Wakes a man right up, those good ol’ gardening tools! Say, have I ever told you guys about the time I…Heeeey! What are you doing, fat? I still got something to say!” The feed was abruptly cut off, as he was returned to his attic to take a nap.

The move was immediately lauded by prominent democrats like Nancy Pelosi, (who is old,) Barack Obama, (who is old,) and Elizabeth Warren, (who by now is fairly irrelevant, but old.) The mandate faced strong criticism from Republicans for being too “old-timey and restrictive,” but they were quickly silenced by “accidental” riots starting outside their homes.

The declaration was also praised by President Xi Jinping of China, (who is old,) and he plans to personally enforce the curfew, along with restrictions on all other aspects of individual freedom.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Joe Biden, (who is old,) has not been going to bed on time, reportedly going to bed at 7:01 pm, after a lengthy game of Bingo and some ginger snaps.

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BLM Protesters Form Human Blockade on Train Tracks

Well, we’ve seen interesting news in the past couple days, but this story blows them all out of the water! In a brilliant move designed to make a bold, powerful statement, 5 Black Lives Matter protesters lined up and held hands, forming a human blockade. But that’s not all! Instead of settling for a mere roadblock, these brave men and women stood across a set of train tracks in rural Pennsylvania.

Reports indicate the protesters stood there uncomfortably for around 5 hours just waiting for the train to come. There was apparently much chatter from Carl, one of the protesters, who kept complaining his sign was too heavy. He was immediately met with, “Shut up, Carl.” from fellow protester Karen.

At long last, they finally sighted a train coming their way. They breathed a huge sigh of relief, and waited for the train to stop due to the roadblock. However, the train showed no intention of slowing down.

“It’s just the mechanics.” Stated protester Mark Karls. “Trains usually look like they’re going to keep going, then suddenly stop at the last minute. Hopefully the driver realizes…AAAAAAAAHH!!!!! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!!” More on Mr. Karls later.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Thomas the Tank Engine is actually a Shiite Muslim.

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Report: Carl Needs to Shut Up.

This past year, we’ve had an unprecedented number of slackers joining our military. Among them is one Carl, whose last name has been censored for security reasons. Reportedly, this “Carl” has made appearances at occasional drills, showed up randomly at the worst moments possible during emergency situations, and become an internet sensation.

We have heard several rumors about this “Carl” and the havoc he’s been wreaking on our military. The following comment was obtained from an anonymous source within the ranks of the U.S. military:

“So, we were at drill yesterday, and out of nowhere this “Carl” shows up and starts singing “We will Rock You” right before we start. As the drills continue, it keeps getting worse. We don’t even think he’s actually been sworn in. He just sorta showed up.”

Reportedly, this “Carl” has been told to “shut up” on multiple occasions. Unfortunately, it’s very fun to say, “Shut up, Carl.” Thus, he has become an internet sensation, spawning endless memes and Gifs. Some people are even rumored to have changed their names to “Carl” so they can have an excuse to be introverted.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Bill does not show off his action figure collection to his coworkers. Bill is not a bonehead. Be like Bill.

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Aliens are real! They’re just mad at us!

Here’s the story about why we don’t see aliens at ALL anymore!

It started back in the olden days of 1990, when people rode in wagons being transported way across the land! The only sport back then besides churning your own butter or making your own cheese…was to sit on your porch and look for aliens!!! Now people today claim they see aliens but nobody believes them. Well, this article will explain why. Back then, on a warm Sunday evening, a guy with a Santa beard and a belly that looked like a bowl full of Canadian bacon,was sitting on his porch enjoying the night sky, when all of a sudden BAM!! A UFO CRASHED IN HIS YARD!!! The old man went to check it out, and he saw it was an alien! The alien had a mission to find out if aliens…or humans are smarter. They held the competition in Atlanta, Georgia. It was a spelling contest! The first word was “cow.” The alien tried to spell it. “C.A.O.W.” “WRONG!” The host shouted. The human then spelled it: “C.O.W.”

The host answered, “Unbelievable!!! C.O.W. IS CORRECT!!!! The next word is “Blue.” The alien tried spelling it. “B.L.O.O.”

“WRONG!!!!!!” The host screamed. The human gave it a shot. “B.L.U.E.” The host answered, “UNBELIEVABLE!!! B.L.U.E IS CORRECT!!!!” The alien stormed off and and yelled as he was leaving, “IN EXACTLY 30 YEARS AND 8 MONTHS INTO THE 30TH YEAR, WE SHALL RETURN AND HOLD ANOTHA SPELLING CONTEST TO SEE IF MANKIND HAS EVOLVED!” He stormed off into his ship and left the humans in awe of his existence.

And that, my friend, is why we don’t see aliens today. That’s also why people are claiming that they’re seeing aliens in this year of 2020, because they believe that it’s the time for them to return for that rematch in a spelling contest!

Thank you for your attention this morning. I hope you all have a blessed day, and always keep your head up. Because…there COULD be aliens up there! And it COULD be their time to return for that rematch! (Dramatic music cue!)

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Report: Liberal Under Fire for Coming Out as Pro-Life

Brad Dawson, 34, has come under heavy fire recently for his statements concerning unborn Life. Yesterday at breakfast, he was reported to have said, “Man. I can’t believe all those people who hate Life. Life is crunchy. Life is awesome. How can you want to destroy Life before it’s even been created? Haters!”

His wife was in tears at the sight of her husband, condoning the protection of Life. She had tried so hard to raise their kids as progressives! Brad has gone and done it again. She is reported as having packed her bags and left him for a more radical hubby. She is currently en route to a cornfield, where she will teach her kids the dangers of various tasty grains that are “harmful to the environment.”

Shortly after his wife left, it was discovered that Brad had not been referring to her stances on abortion, but to his delicious bowl of Cinnamon Life he was eating for breakfast. Unfortunately, this changed nothing, as she hated cereal and would much rather have avocado toast.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that avocado toast was basically guacamole for people with sensitive teeth.

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PoliSauce Life Hackz: Driving Tips:

1: Never check your mirrors

Most folks are told that when they climb into the drivers seat, their first instinct should be to adjust their mirrors, but don’t do this because vanity in your looks is wrong. “VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY.” Says the book of Methusemiah, chapter 3, verse 10.5, NIV.

2: Don’t wear your seatbelt

Your second instinct when getting into a car is to put your seatbelt on, but don’t do this because it increases your chances of being brutally strangled.

3: Always text

Texting is a good way to exercise face to face conversation and you should never put that to rest. Also if you look at the road too long, the road might get offended and ask why you’re looking at it!

4: Driving in the middle of the road is ok.

When you’re on the road, you’ll see yellow, white, blue, magenta, beige or rainbow lines. This is only a suggestion. People drive in the separate lanes because they are nice and don’t mind if you pass them. Assert your dominance and always drive in the middle of the road!

5: It’s okay to sleep

When you’re driving, it’s okay to sleep. Don’t sleep when you’re at a rest stop or gas station cause that’s just plain “ILLEGAALLLL”!!! (It’s loitering) You don’t have to stop the car to take your beauty rest, just keep a’rollin. If you’re worried about accidentally merging and making people angry, (see step 4:)

There ya go, 5 ways to drive. Happy traveling.

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Protester Shoved to the Ground After Jumping on Top of Policeman’s Head Repeatedly

A deadly use of force was seen in Houston, Texas, this past Friday. Fred Jackson, 23, was seen throwing Molotov cocktails into buildings like every other scumbag at the riots. Reportedly, he walked toward a policeman, jumped above his head in an amazing display of agility, and landed directly on top of him. He then proceeded to jump up and down on the policeman’s head.

But that’s not the worst part: the policeman actually SHOVED the man to the GROUND. Yes, that’s right! He actually shoved a lawbreaking pile of living, breathing manure to the ground! What has this world come to?!! We must defund the police because of these bitter acts of hatred and racism. (Jackson was 1/1,057th Native American.)

Nancy Pelosi is spearheading a movement to ban solid floors. “We need to build weaker, more vulnerable floors so as to preserve human life. I hate the police. And white people. And straight people. And the police are intolerant.” Said Pelosi at a recent press conference. Time will tell how many months she has to live.

At publishing time, Roadrunner cartoons were under heavy scrutiny for including roads, which have cars on them that destroy the environment and will plunge the human race into extinction.

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PoliSauce Inquires: The Frank Bertrand Interview

The following is the word-for-word exchange between modern theological genius Frank Bertrand and the PoliSauce Inquires Team.

PSI: “Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. Bertrand. It’s a pleasure to be able to interview such a prominent figure.”

Bertrand: “Well, the pleasure’s all mine! I understand you have some questions about my research.”

PSI: “That’s correct. We are wondering about your current theory that fruitcakes were invented on the ark.“

Bertrand: “Well, we’ve been wondering how dinosaurs actually became extinct. If Noah took two of every animal in the ark, it stands to reason dinosaurs were among them. So how did they die?”

“We reasoned that the dinosaurs were test subjects of a terrifying experiment with various kinds of semi-edible foods. Noah called this particular substance a “fruitcake,” although we have no real evidence to support that it is anything other than a purple rock that tastes like barf.”

PSI: “That makes sense. We’re following you so far.”

Bertrand: “Judging from the weight, consistency and taste of the common fruitcake, we believe there are traces of gopher wood, pitch, and two of every animal inside an average fruitcake.”

PSI: “Um, I guess that makes sense…”

Bertrand: “Also we found what we believe to be evidence for prehistoric donuts. A supposed donut was found buried deep in a box of Cheerios I opened yesterday.”

PSI: “I think that’s as much as we need to hear. As fake as we are, we cannot support that level of..”

Bertrand: “Finally! Solid evidence to support evolution! You’re wasting your time, reporters! Join the dark side! Muahahahahaha!!!!!”

PSI: “We should leave before he melts us with a ray gun.”

Search PoliSauce Inquires for more interviews with more-or-less prominent figures!

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Theologians Claim Noah Invented Fruitcakes

In a groundbreaking new study, modern theologians claim Noah may have invented fruitcakes on the ark during the long 40 days and 40 nights of the Great Flood.

When asked in a recent PoliSauce Inquires interview, theologian Frank Bertrand said, “We have to question the origin of the fruitcake, as nobody ever eats a fruitcake unless they are stricken with extreme poverty, have a mental disorder, or have cultivated a taste for rocks. The only instance in which someone has ever been that desperate is when they were trapped in an ark with a limited supply of food.”

When asked how Noah would have acquired the fruit, Bertrand responded, “We have reason to believe fruitcakes are not actually comprised completely of fruit. Judging from the taste, consistency and weight of the common fruitcake, we believe there are traces of gopher wood, pitch, and two of every animal inside the fruitcake. This coincides with our current theory that dinosaurs are actually extinct because they were fed fruitcakes on the ark.”

At publishing time, Bertrand and his crew had discovered what was thought to be a donut fossil buried deep in a box of Cheerios.

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PoliSauce Reviews: Star Wars: The Rise of the Last Attack of the Clones Strikes Back and Awakens.

As many of you may know, the newest movie in the highly acclaimed Star Wars Saga has just been released to digital. You may have questions regarding this movie. We will answer as many as we can.

What’s the plot?

Well, basically Luke Skywalker’s great-great-great-grandson finds out he’s force-sensitive. As he hones his powers and becomes a Jedi, a big bad space station appears, the owner of which is a massive government organization headed by the Sith. An army is organized, and the good guys blow up the bad guys. Sometimes there will be a laser stick fight.

Is it safe for children?

Star Wars movies have historically been generally clean movies, but they always manage to make things just weird enough to create speculation. (Think back to Poe and Finn. You know what I mean.) This movie will be clean as far as sexual content, blood, gore, and language. However, the movie will inevitably introduce your children to a progressive agenda and turn them into LIB SNOWFLAKES!!! Because it is being made by Disney.

Doesn’t this movie’s plot seem like the same plot line they’ve been using for 40 years now?

No comment.

Who dies?

Inevitably, a beloved character of the Saga will die in this movie. It will be Luke Skywalker, of course. He will probably be killed in a merciless laser stick duel, just like his mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Also, approximately 5,000,000 stormtroopers will accidentally shoot each other and die in pursuit of Skywalker.

Well, there you have it. That’s all the information we could find on this movie. Search PoliSauce Reviews and PoliSauce Inquires for the answers to all your important questions!

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5 Surefire Ways to Own the Libs

We’ve all been there. You’ve run out of arguments, (or energy), while debating your liberal SNOWFLAKE coworker. But there’s only so much LOGIC and so many FACTS to go around. How are you supposed to MELT this FLAKY LIB?! We at PoliSauce have compiled five surefire ways to STEAMROLL your liberal PILES OF FLAKY SADNESS!

1. Recruit Ben Shapiro.

This tactic is a two-edged sword, to be sure. Not only is this man capable of spitting logical arguments at the speed of light, he is the target of every vicious anti-Semite currently in Congress. That makes him the offender AND the victim! Although, this may backfire depending on whether or not you happen to be arguing with his wife.

2. Literally MELT the lib SNOWFLAKES!

Studies show that if you stare at an ant for long enough through a magnifying glass, you can cook it like a pound of bacon. Simply magnify the faults of the SNOWFLAKE in question, and he/she will melt into the ground, never to be seen again.

3. Merriam-Webster Madness!

Fact-check every single word that comes out of your FLAKY LIB OPPONENT. If they use the word “literally” incorrectly, mispronounce the word “nuclear,” or simply misunderstand the subject of the debate, you can MELT them with FACTS and LOGIC with the assistance of your trusty MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY!!!!

4. Rabbit Trails.

Nothing wins an argument like getting into a sub-argument. If they say they don’t care about the allegations against Joe Biden, turn it into a slam on their personal character. They will reciprocate in like manner, and then you can argue about who’s got better moral standards. This will evolve into a heated theological discussion, during which they renounce their position as a moderate liberal and transition into a radical SNOWFLAKE!! Which you can then proceed to STEAMROLL and MELT to your heart’s content!

5. Subscribe to PoliSauce.

Obviously, we’re experts at this. You’d better look no further than the PoliSauce crew for answers to your political questions. This is possibly the most effective option at your disposal, considering you’re reading this article anyway.

Well, there you have it. 5 ways to MELT SNOWFLAKES! Get out there and STEAMROLL the FLAKY PILES of LIBERAL TEARS!!

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Man, 21, Runs With Scissors, Kills Hundreds

In a tragic turn of events, the little town of Argusville, ND, has been ravaged by a horrifying occurrence just this past Monday. Brady Phillips, 21, killed nearly everyone he came into contact with, then killed himself in like manner.

After becoming the required age for many adult activities such as drinking, smoking, and going to jail, Brady’s rebellious streak kicked in, and he grabbed a pair of semi-automatic assault scissors from his desk. He reportedly ran through the streets of Argusville screaming, “I’m an aduuuuuult!” as he methodically lacerated everyone he ran past simply because he was running with a pair of dull pink and green scissors.

We at PoliSauce interviewed his mother on our critically-ignored news broadcast, in which we found some disturbing facts about the criminal. “Brady never meant any harm. He just wanted freedom, to be unlimited, to be himself. We had told him not to run with scissors for years and years, and I guess his curiosity got the best of him.” She sobbed relentlessly. “I’m just glad we didn’t tell him he was cutting bread with the wrong side of the knife. Imagine the carnage!” She then broke down and we could get no further info from her.

In a series of cutting remarks, Nancy Pelosi covered this incident at a recent press conference. “We were on the razor edge of extinction. We must ban these terrible weapons, because people aren’t very sharp these days. This is just a snippet of the terror to come.”

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Burger King Announces Highly Anticipated Nothingburger

Impossible Whopper doesn’t float your boat? Well, we have great news! This Saturday, Burger King will be implementing their highly reviewed Nothingburger at various test sites around America.

The sandwich will be an oxygen patty, sandwiched between two slices of air and slathered with their signature sauce*

Burger King franchisee Ali Abouelmagd said of the Nothingburger, “This is good for diet. American come eat Nothingburger every day for seven day, American lose many weights.” A seven-day plan proved him to be correct, although at the expense of the test subjects’ bank accounts.

The Nothingburger will be 10 bucks on the nose at your local Burger King starting this Saturday! Don’t waste any time! (Or air!) Get your Nothingburger while supplies last!

*We are unclear as to the nature of the signature sauce slathered upon the Nothingburger. However, some sources believe it will be a mysterious and wonderful concoction known as PoliSauce.

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Communist Revolution Quelled Within Seconds

Well, the end was almost upon us.

Lawrence Stevens, 24, had just graduated from college and was ready to take the world on! Everywhere he looked he saw poverty and injustice! He felt it his patriotic duty to overthrow capitalism and usher in a new Communist order!

Standing proudly upon a skyscraper, he called, “Workers of the world, unite!” He was immediately joined by an 80-year-old woman with arthritis and his cat, Nibbles.

“More will come.” He thought to himself as he waited a. “I said, workers of the world, unite!” He screamed at the sky, only to be met with silence.

Unfortunately the uprising was quelled within seconds, as apparently they were the only three workers left in America.

Maybe next time, Lawrence.

Life Hackz: 5 random things you may need someday

Today we have put together 5 random things you may need one day! We hope these help you in the future

1. Making anything with an expiration date last forever

Have you ever needed something to last longer? For example, a jug of milk, or your favorite salad dressing? If so, we have the perfect fix! Simply take the thing that is about to expire and transfer it to a container with no expiration date on it and bam! Your milk will last forever!

2. If you hate boiling water everytime you want to cook pasta, here’s what to do

Simply boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze for later!

3. How to barricade a door

We’re not quite sure why you might need this one, but you might. Basically, what you have to do is get everything in the room as far away from the door as possible! Super easy, right?

4. Temporary sunglasses

Out in the sun and need some sunglasses? Here’s what to do! You will need some plastic wrap (if you don’t have a random roll of plastic wrap with you, what are you even doing?) and a permanent marker. Take a thin-ish strip of plastic wrap that will cover your eyes and color it in with the marker, then tear some little holes for your ears and vwala!

5. How to a fix an itchy sweater

It’s that season again! If you have a sweater that you want to wear, but it’s super itchy, here’s what to do! Take a roll of toilet paper, and wrap it around your arms and torso and you won’t be able to feel the itch anymore! Just be careful though, sometimes the toilet paper comes undone and starts to fall everywhere

And there you have it, 5 random things you may need someday! We hope you enjoyed reading this article and have a wonderful rest of your day!

Mario Recovering From 789th Concussion

In the land of walking mushrooms and frequently kidnapped royalty there was much sadness, this past Monday afternoon. Mario, the plumber/bodyguard/heartless maimer of turtles and mushrooms, has been admitted to the local Castle Hospital, where he was diagnosed with a concussion, again.

According to doctors loyal to her majesty Princess Peach, who are, in fact, toadstools, the heroic man in red has had yet another bout with brain damage. It was first surmised that he was fighting the evil dragon Bowser, but independent fact checkers discovered that this dragon is actually a polite being, and he was, in fact, having tea with the princess on regular occasion. His name looks scary, however that in itself is more proof, as it was originally “Bow Sir” which shows just how polite he is.

Since it wasn’t the original theory, detectives dug deep into the evidence, and found many witnesses who claim the man in the overalls was attempting to coerce a brick into giving him its money, and, as bricks are people too, this is being investigated as possibly a hate crime, insurance fraud, theft, which includes brandishing of fireballs and turtle shells, as well as being sued by Mr. Bowsir for slander.

As for the health of this previously well regarded “hero,” it appears this is his 789th concussion. His lawyer, Luigi, says this may actually be the cause of his brick bashing, as he has so few brain cells remaining.

At publishing time, Goomba critics of the satirical site PoliSauce, say that there is “mushroom” for improvement.

Trump Outsmarts Biden in Intense Game of Checkers

Well, it’s gone from bad to worse with Biden. In place of a live debate, Trump had mercifully allowed an alternative: A mental game of war, re-enacted by small pieces of plastic called “checkers.” The premise of the game is to “jump” all the opponent’s checkers. The rules are simple. Checkers can only move diagonally, and if a checker is on a space diagonal to an opponent, it may “jump” the piece.

Biden accepted the challenge with great trepidation, as he would need to conform to the rules of checkers, and not bingo. He tried wiping out the entire checkerboard by swinging at it with his hand, but was promptly reminded that was against the rules. He also tried setting an army of toy soldiers from a nearby Risk game on the checkers, but was scolded sternly, as he did not roll the dice first.

Needless to say, Trump destroyed Biden at this game of war. Biden was slammed by many as being “incapable and stupid” but quickly responded to his critics with a stern, “We haven’t even started playing yet!” He was then informed by the officials that they had already played. Biden was returned to his basement where he could mentally recuperate.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Trump would be playing Monopoly with Mark Zuckerberg next week.

Life Hackz: 5 Sports Fan Tips

Have you ever been at a sporting event, say, your nephews basketball game, or your local lacrosse tournament, and not known how to participate? Here are a few helpful tips!

1. Heckle when the opposing team does ANYTHING.

If your teams opponent is shooting a free throw, in a timeout, existing or doing anything else, be sure to heckle! A well, or not so well, placed “My grandmother can run faster than that!” or even something as simple as constant booing, choking sounds, or your impersonation of a chipmunk being crushed by a rhinoceros, is sure to lift your teams spirit.

2. Leave food and drink containers all over the seating area

If you want to appear a true sports fan, this is a must. Throw your popcorn, sunflower seeds, and other rubbish all over the bleachers. Try to spread it around. If you see empty seats, make sure to make that area dirty too. The janitorial staff will love it!

3. Insult the officials

In any sport, all the way up to the pros, there are these annoying people called referees that ALWAYS make the wrong calls. Just ignore the fact they are actually trained to do their job, and that human error does exist. Affectionate terms like “Hey Zebra” and “Do you need glasses, because I can totally see from this distant, terribly angled vantage point that you were wrong, I assume” go a long way in boosting your teams attitude, and also your likelihood of being asked to leave by the administrator.

4. Talk about your high school days

In the middle of a heated, back and forth game, or after a highlight reel play, make sure you annoy the other fans with irrelevant stories of your high-school sports career. This is especially effective when you didn’t play the sport you are spectating. This will give you some much needed extra room on the crowded seating arrangement.

5. Criticize Constantly

This is crucial to having a good time. If you didn’t use tips 1 or 3, this should cover your back. Every one of the people down there are yearning for your deconstructive criticism, so don’t keep them waiting. Talk about how layups are easy, or free throws are easy or how your dog could’ve hit that buzzer beater half court shot. Jump around angrily like an enraged toddler when the coach pulls your obviously underperforming, or just tired, child from the playing area.

Scream when the officials make the wrong call, or the right call, or an obvious call, or a phone call….you get the picture. Just be negative.

If you follow these tips, others will start too, and you can slowly build a toxic utopia of jerks up in the stands.

There are your 5 tips! Have a great day, and under no circumstances should you use these….also, if you already do, stop please, for the good of your reputation and our sanity.

5 ways to deal with getting pulled over:

1: Always answer “Yes!”

When you get pulled over, the police officer will ask you a few questions such as, do you have any boom boom sticks? Any Stabbie McJaggers? Always answer honestly, regardless the question. ESPECIALLY about the green stuff, never lie about having green stuff.

2: Dance.

When the police officer asks you to remain still in your vehicle, open your door and challenge the officer to a Macarena dance off. You can’t get in trouble for dancing. If he doesn’t want to dance the Macarena then do the electric slide, because that’s the dance you’ll end up doing after you get tased for getting out of your vehicle.

3: Yell SHOTGUN!!!

If the officer asks you to step out of your vehicle and places you under arrest, run off towards his car and yell “SHOTGUN!!!” This is indicating that you want to ride front seat cause the back seat is for losers.

4: Strike up a conversation:

When a police officer pulls you over, something you should do is start a good conversation. This could let the police officer know that you’re just trying to be a nice guy, and if he gets annoyed and pulls out his taser, ask him this:

“What’s that supposed to do?”

He’ll be more than happy to show you.

5: “SCISSORS! I WIN!”

When a police officer pulls you over and he asks for papers, shout “SCISSORS! I WIN,” and speed off. Speeding off will also give you a chance to beat that speed record you’ve been trying to beat for a while.

Well there ya go, 5 ways to deal with getting pulled over. I hope you enjoyed reading this article. Take these tips and use them the next time you get pulled over.

Happy dealing with getting pulled over.

Disclaimer: Don’t actually use these tips, it will make life harder.

5 ways to correctly wear a mask

Do you have problems wearing your mask correctly? If so, this is the article for you! The following are 5 different ways you can wear your mask, along with some helpful tips. Enjoy!

1. Only over the mouth (not the nose)

You will see many people wearing their masks only over their mouth, especially on hot days. This ensures you get enough oxygen, while also stopping COVID-19 from entering through your mouth.

2. When talking, breathing, coughing, sneezing, etc. Take your mask off

Nobody likes talking through a mask, it makes it hard for people to hear you, so you will end up repeating yourself 100 times. Instead, take off your mask when talking. As for coughing and sneezing, when you wear a mask, it gives the germs coming out of your mouth limited places to go, so chances are, you’ll just breath them back in, thus, making you sick.

3. Hanging from one ear

This will use the mask as a scoop, and scoop COVID-19 right out of the air! People may give you dirty looks, but, that doesn’t matter because you will actually be helping stop the spread of COVID-19.

4. Over the eyes

If you’re an introvert, who hates seeing people and also likes face-planting into random things, this is what you should do!

5. On the chin

This is a good way to wear a mask when you don’t actually want to be wearing one. It’s right there on your chin so you can yank it on very quickly when you see a karen coming your way

There you have it, 5 ways to wear a mask, make sure to stay safe out there, and keep coming back for more awesome!

Man Enraged By Socially Accepted Murder Of The Unborn, Still Frequents Starbucks

Seattle, Washington

Recently, the churches of America have been less vocal about the mass genocide committed by corporations such as Planned Parenthood, and encouraged as well as funded by our United States government. Preachers all over the world have been speaking out against this immorality, and it struck home with this man.

Ted Williams, a respected man in his community, coffee addict, and member at Bible Baptist Church, was especially fired up about this societal norm, and decided to take action.

After contemplating what to do or say, for about forty two seconds, he went to his Facebook page and made several scathing, however truthful, remarks about the evils of the unmerited and very painful dismemberment of human offspring. He called for boycotts and removal of politicians from office, amongst other solutions. When confronted about his choice to frequent Starbucks, a well known and very vocal donor of Planned Parenthood’s, he immediately defended himself, using tactics such as name calling, red herrings, and attacking the character of his opponent. As the fellow Christian noted that God himself made very definite statements about the shedding of innocent blood, and how he curses those who align themselves with sinners, Mr. Williams flew into a violent rage, accidentally spilling his triple-latte-mocha-double shot of caramel syrup and whipped cream drink all over his pants. As he cleaned up the mess, he decided he knew better than his biblically educated counterpart, and blocked them.

At publishing time, several veterans were seen shopping at Target for expensive mac-n-cheese.

6 steps to becoming a Karen

Ever wondered what it would be like to be a Karen? Well, now you can find out! Simply follow these 6 easy steps and you will be good to go

1. Dress the part

The first step is finding the right clothing, hair style, and accessories! You can probably find all the things you will need at a local goodwill or any number of thrift stores. Find your proper Karen style!

2. Find the right glare

Will your glare be angry, hateful, or mocking? That’s what you need to find out! We recommend practicing this in the mirror to view the full affect

3. Protect the neighborhood

As a Karen, your job is to keep everyone in your neighborhood safe! You should be constantly looking out your window for any suspicious looking people, and if you see any, you should immediately let everyone know about it

4. Call the waiter (snap if you need to)

This is key to being a Karen, a good Karen should call the waiter at least five times during a meal, simply to complain about the food

5. Never be satisfied

Whether it’s a misplaced pickle on your burger, your water being too dry, or the waiter forgot to add extra ketchup, you can never be satisfied with you meal (or anything for that matter) if you don’t see anything to complain about, you should make something up!

6. Perfect the phrase ”I’d like to speak to your manager, please”

The ”Please” is optional of course, but make sure you have this step down before you leave your house

There you have it, 6 very easy steps to becoming a Karen! If you follow all of them you will be a pro-Karen in no time! Have a great day, and make sure to come back tomorrow for more fun!

Whoopi Goldberg Named After Antique Gag Gift

New York

After our last article about “The View” in which the extremely irritating human beings on the show were found to be a main cause of cancer, we at PoliSauce and our PoliSauce Inquires team dove into the whos and whats behind it. Our first study was on the loudmouth Whoopi Goldberg.

When our research started, we found the well known facts about her, she’s uneducated on many topics she feels free to speak on, she’s not well spoken, is a Democrat, etc. However, we decided to interview her parents, who were in hiding, as they didn’t want to be known as the folks who gave her life. Therefore, they will remain anonymous. In the interview, it was discovered that they named her Whoopi, which was an extremely popular gag gift at the time, so it fit. This, of course has been proven to be very insightful, as she is full of wind, and her political commentaries are no more helpful or enjoyable than the sounds of flatulence.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that the “Whoopi pie” was a confectionery substance designed based on her unique structure, as it closely resembles her skin tone, fluffy girth and facilitates her rumored excessive consumption of sweets.

Studies Show 90% of moms believe all teen sicknesses related to phone usage.

A recent polling of mothers in Europe and the United States has gleaned shocking results. It seems 90% of mothers surveyed believe their teenagers illnesses to be largely due to the fact that their phones simply exist. While the other 10% take a more relaxed stance on the issue, saying that all sickness their child may have is because of their constant use of their device.

“The use of electronics has caused my children to be lazy and thus contract Covid.” stated Clementine Amelia-Trent, a mother of 3 adolescents ages 13, 15,and 17, in an interview early last week. “At first I thought it might be because they visited their sick and highly contagious cousin in the hospital, but after looking into it I discovered that it’s most likely because they spend more than 2 hours on their phones every day.” She then added “This is such a horrible turn of events and I will definitely take away their phones ASAP. If they want to get new ones when they’re older and harm their bodies that’s their own individual desicion. Luckily, I have my lavender essential oil so I believe we’ll all be ok.”

At publishing time, she noted that her sister in Wyoming was calling and she needed to set up a 3 hour appointment to talk to her.

Ellen Shows Ratings Skyrocket After Ellen Replaced With Cardboard Cutout

Earlier this month, the Ellen show was having problems, as it was losing ratings to the dumbest things. Among these was a toddler flushing a toilet repeatedly, a monkey assaulting a window, and a herd of lemmings hurling themselves off a cliff. This, of course, called for a drastic change in philosophy and staff, therefore, the producers suggested a cardboard cutout of the barely human slimebag be the main feature on the show.

Bob Floss, one of the production assistants, noted that Ms. Degeneres took the news surprisingly well, as she only threw herself into a wall, and then started screaming while writhing on the floor like an injured, angry, rabid, baby baboon. He noted that most often she hurts others, so the physical harm to herself only was a welcome change.

The first episode premiered last week, though the results weren’t much different, however this week the ratings have been steadily climbing, as viewers enjoy the silence rather than the continuous spewing of idiocy previously on the show.

At publishing time, there were reports noting the only way to make the show even better is to replace the cutout of her with a cutout of Abe Lincoln’s dog, or a turtle, or a pile of sand. The alternative being to cancel the entire show.

Taco Bell Now Serving 100% Nutrient-Free “Impossible Taco”

Taco Bell lovers, rejoice! Starting this Thursday, the new “Impossible Taco” will be hitting your local Taco Bell restaurant. The long-awaited menu item will consist of 100% nutrient-free meat, with a shredded mozzarella cheese blend, chopped romaine, and absolutely zero nutritional value whatsoever.

The CEO of Taco Bell, Mr. Taco Bell, tweeted last night, “This will be the greatest taco of all time. It will fly off the shelves and directly into our toilets in record time.” At publishing time, this post was found to have been liked and shared over 4,000,000 times, predominantly by juvenile boys.

As well-received as it has been, there is controversy surrounding the taco, multiple sources having stated that Taco Bell is running a spin-off of Burger King’s “Impossible Whopper.” In a statement released to the press yesterday morning, the CEO of Taco Bell, Mr. Taco Bell, stated, “We are definitely not plagiarizing Burger King.” Sources have generally accepted this statement, even though it has zero credibility. More on that later.

At publishing time, Taco Bell had announced a “Nothingtaco” that will be hitting restaurants this Saturday. We at PoliSauce will be suing them for 5 million dollars. Because we can, that’s why.

5 ways to bake a cake!

If you’re an aspiring baker and you want to bake another cake, take these helpful tips and use them for that next time.

1: Never forget yeast

When baking a cake, NEVER forget the YEAST!!! The yeast is like the spoon to cereal. The fork to lasagna, the chainsaw to the TREE, THE CHICK-FIL-A SAUCE TO WAFFLE FRIES!!!!!!! What I’m trying to say is…YA NEED YEAST!!!!! Yeast is what gives that cake that “dome” look and that rise in the oven. After all, the flour can’t do all the work! It does enough work in the spring making people sneeze because of COVID. The flour needs help.

2: Don’t put in any less than 10 eggs:

When you’re baking a cake, the second most important ingredient is the eggs. The eggs are like the Infinity Stone to the Gauntlet. The baby Yoda to the MANDOLORIAN, THE HAAAND TO LUKE SKYWALKER!!!!!! What I’m saying is…eggs are important. You can’t have a cake without at least 10 eggs. Eggs are pretty important…just ask Arnold.

3: Don’t add water, instead, add vinegar.

If you prefer that sour lip-puckering flavor and feeling in your mouth over water, then VINEGAR IS THE SUPPLEMENT FOR YOU!!!! You see, vinegar had an ingredient in it called nomoretaste. This will get rid of that eggy taste your cake may have…And may also incinerate your taste buds.

4: Oil is oil.

When you’re baking a cake, the next important ingredient is oil. Now it may be motor oil, olive oil, vegetable oil, avocado oil…you get the point. But if you cover up the name part of the oil, then it’s all really just oil, so it doesn’t matter what you use! As long as it’s oily.

5: Add at least 1 cup of salt.

Salt is another VERY important ingredient. Now, salt is very tricky. It’s kinda like the…bull to the biscuits,the cow to the chicken, THE SANDWICH TO THE POTATO!!! What I’m trying to say is…SALT IS POINTLESS IN SOMETHING THAT’S SWEET!!!

So remember you don’t have to add salt unless you are a weirdo. Remember that!

Well there ya go, 5 ways to bake a cake. I hope that you take these tips and use them next time you bake a cake, and remember…STOP…ANYONE…

WHO TRIES…TO PUT… SALT IN A CAKE!!!!!

Life Hackz: 5 surefire ways to never fail a test

Have you ever had a test coming up that you’re just not ready for? If so, we here at Polisauce have put together a list of 5 ways to never fail a test that are sure to help you next time!

  1. Do not study

Study stands for fail! It’s a waste of your time, and 5 times out of 10, doesn’t do anything at all. Instead of study, use this extremely helpful site called Netflix. It will give you all the information you need, and will prepare you for the upcoming test

2. Never, ever pay attention during class!

One common misconception is that paying attention during class will actually help you know what will be on the test, however, this is false. Instead, take a nice long nap, this will help you you catch up on your beauty sleep and be prepared for when the big day arrives!

3. Skip class and stay home

If you’re not going to pay attention in class anyway, you might as well stay home. You will probably get a better nap that way.

4. Cheat

Cheating is a great way to make sure you pass a test, simply make sure everyone (even the teacher) knows you’re doing it

5. Don’t take the test

This option is probably the best because you can’t fail something you never even attempted to do in the first place. So, if you absolutely want to succeed this is the option we suggest you choose

And there you have it, 5 surefire ways to never fail a test! We hope these help, and remember to come back for more ways to improve your life!

Life Hackz: 5 MORE ways to drive:

If you’ve read our other article on driving, you’re probably having success on the road. This is why we have put together another comprehensive list of driving tips.

1: Never shut your doors.

Don’t shut your doors when you get into a vehicular object, because the vehicular object doesn’t have an oxygen tank. When you close the doors, this cuts off your oxygen supply, thus cutting off any means of breathing.

2: Always keep a sword next to you

This has absolutely nothing to do with driving, but it will make you feel like a movie star driving down the freeway with a machete in the passengers seat.

3: Speed limit signs are just strong suggestions

Speed limit signs aren’t actually enforced by the po-po. They’re just a very encouraged suggestion. In fact, they’re actually a challenge. When you think about it,the government says speed LIMIT because they think that’s your limit of driving ability on the road. But you don’t have to go the limit they think yours is. If your driving limit is faster, then by all means. You go faster.

4: Don’t hesitate if you want to burn rubber

If you’re ever at a stopsign that turns green, and you feel the need to peel out, THEN DO IT!!!! There’s no law or sign saying it’s illegal to burn out on the road. In fact, there’s actually a sign that tells you to burn out. It’s a yellow sign with a picture of a black car with black lines behind it and what is it telling you to do?

PEEL OUT!!

5: Drive with your feet:

It’s actually a good idea to drive with your feet. When you were a baby, you probably did that hissy fit kicking legs up and down thing when you would cry. And what directions do our hands go when we all drive? UP…AND…DOWN!!!!

I mean, this only means we’ve been training to drive since we were a month old. And why else would the seats in our car have the ability to recline? So we could drive with our feet!

Well there ya go, 5 MORE ways on how to drive! Take these steps and go take your test. Your instructor will be most impressed. Happy driving!

Editor’s note: These steps have been proven effective by the Canadian Department of Motor Vehicles.

America Reels as Nation’s Millennials Go on Strike

Well, now we’ve gone and done it, haven’t we? Due to Donald Trump’s statement that mail-in ballots would most likely result in a “rigged election,” the nation’s millennials are writing up tons of fake ballots and sending them in support of Donald Trump, in order to prove him wrong.

When asked about this controversial move, Trump announced, “This is the smartest move, maybe ever. Everyone knows mail-in elections can’t be rigged. Everyone says so.” This has confused millennials further, causing them to raid local post offices and reclaim their ballots.

Disturbing footage has shown millennials attempting to punch a postman in the face and take his mail bag, but for some reason the postman’s face remained solid as a rock, as millennials screamed in pain after accidentally straining their “arm muscles.”

At publishing time, Trump had advocated voting for Joe Biden, and therefore is projected to win every state except California.

California is currently seceding from the Union and becoming a separate nation, although we’ll probably just pretend it doesn’t exist, kind of like Pluto.

Does eating an alkaline battery lower your chances of catching COVID-19?

With the pandemic still having a great impacton our lives, scientists are in search of a cure. But we’ve recently discovered alkaline batteries contain a substance called COVIDAWAY. And COVIDAWAY contains a substance called NOMORCOVID.

So if you start to feel dizzy or nauseated, or feel like you have a respiratory infection, don’t dial 911. That’s like calling Pizza Hut to order a burger, it just doesn’t make any rational sense.

Instead, pop an alkaline battery like it was an Vitamin capsule. The Covidaway and Nomorcovid in the battery will work its way through your system, and destroy the virus completely.

So remember, if you think you have COVID-19, DON’T CALL 911. You pop that battery like a champ and by morning, that virus will be gone faster than hot dish at a NODAK buffet. Come back to PoliSauce for more ways to improve your life!

Note: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. YOU WILL DIE.

Man Sued for calling someone “hyperactive”

Des Moines, Iowa

Eugene Bertrand IV is your typical genius, book nerd, and grammer Nazi. His friends claim he is the nicest person they know, so it came as a great shock when they found out he was being sued. Bertha McBlob is suing him for calling her son, Blobby Jr “hyperactive”. She says this is offensive and is accusing him of being a ‘bigot’. She is suing for ‘psychological damage’ and says she “won’t rest until her poor son has recovered from the traumatic incident.” Bertrand is fighting back, in an attempt to clear his name. He says the full statement was actually “if that youngster consumes a milliliter more of sweet crystallized goodness he will most likely become as hyperactive as a chipmunk on an adrenaline rush.” He claims McBlob said “what??” And immediately called him a ‘bigot’. A court date is set for Tuesday. No witnesses have been found as of yet.

Joe Biden Passes Cognitive Skills Test

Washington D.C.

Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been under scrutiny for his alleged lack of mental health, so the DNC scheduled a cognitive skills test to dispell the misconception. Dr. Balexander Hambell, the administrator of the test, explained the details.

“The subject will have thirty minutes to complete a crossword puzzle, twenty minutes to color a picture, and ten to build a pyramid with the materials of his choice.” He then said “go” and the clock started.

Initially, Mr. Biden had difficulty with the extremely difficult crossword puzzle, but after he figured out that “mouse-like rodent name that rhymes with bat” wasn’t beaver, weasel, or rhinoceros, he got it done in a hurry. He colored his 2×2 inch circle rather quickly, only going outside the lines twice, and advanced to the pyramid. He initially tried building it with gummy bears, but that didn’t work. He also attempted to use his dentures to support it, but he ended up eating them all. He finally settled on a scheme, that he would use to finish. He had Hillary Clinton and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez each text two of their friends to each text two friends…and so on.

In the end, the presidential candidate showed the world that he is, in fact, fit to lead America, however, conservatives are still stonewalling him, saying that “it wasn’t an effective test” and “it was rigged.”

At publishing time, incumbent Donald Trump passed his cognitive skills test as well, which covered things like economics, neurosurgery, construction, and rocketry.

New, Deadlier German “Nerff” Guns Banned

This past week, a highly sought-after, however potentially lethal weapon was removed from the shelves of most grocery stores. After an American 12-year-old went on a devastating shooting spree in a local Walmart, top government officials convened to reconsider the legality of these deadly firearms.

“We must consider the origin of these horrible weapons in light of its name. Although it’s a very American invention, it does end in the letter “f.” Stated Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “Most German words end with the letter “f!” These guns have been symbolic of German supremacy all these years! We must ban them immediately!”

Studies showed that the American word “Nerf” roughly translated as “Nerff” in German, with the help of AOC’s translating skills. Germany has already banned the terrible weapons, stating that “Ve vant no part of this” and, “Ve didn’t really vant your toys anyvay.”

At publishing time, sources confirmed that AirSoft will be changing its name to “Atmospherehard.”

Socks banned in California

Sources confirm that California banned socks last Friday. When asked what the purpose of banning these completely harmless and extremely useful items is, Governor Gavin Newsom made this statement. “Our administration is dedicated to providing safety to all California citizens. We felt the potentially harmful item known as a ‘sock’ is actually a deadly weapon in disguise, as it can be used to strangle people.” Reporters then asked him why rope hasn’t been banned yet he responded by saying “He has no further comments on the matter.” He did, however mention that “steps are already being taken towards the complete decimation of the deadly weapon.”

Stores all across California are throwing away thousands of pairs of socks, and some have gone so far as to destroy tights and leggings. While most of the state has been extremely cooperative during this time of turmoil, a terrorist organization known as the anti-anti-sock organization is fighting back by using logic and scientific reasoning.

Research Shows Subscribing To PoliSauce Is The Key To Happiness

There is much speculation on the “key to ultimate joy.” Many people have tried money, food, exercise, and fame. All through history there have been legends about places like the fountain of youth. However, recently there was a breakthrough. S. Gorden, E. Gallagher and a few of their friends discovered an equation that has begun and will continue to rock the world. The website known as PoliSauce is a wonderland of satirical humor, which is sure to brighten your day, or at least make you think about the world in a different light. Dr. Ramon Dias made a statement in early May, shortly after the “humor haven” was released to the public. He said, “PoliSauce has all the qualities expected for the key to happiness. There is humor, yet truth in its own hyperbolic and satirical way.” He went on to say that PoliSauce has brought a smile to many people across the globe. Including places such as France, The UK, The Netherlands, Australia, Canada, The USA, and even the kingdom of Eswatini.*

At publishing time, the Doctor noted that sharing the website with friends will complete your happiness, as it is “more blessed to give than to receive.”

*Actual Statistics based on the websites viewers