In the land of walking mushrooms and frequently kidnapped royalty there was much sadness, this past Monday afternoon. Mario, the plumber/bodyguard/heartless maimer of turtles and mushrooms, has been admitted to the local Castle Hospital, where he was diagnosed with a concussion, again.
According to doctors loyal to her majesty Princess Peach, who are, in fact, toadstools, the heroic man in red has had yet another bout with brain damage. It was first surmised that he was fighting the evil dragon Bowser, but independent fact checkers discovered that this dragon is actually a polite being, and he was, in fact, having tea with the princess on regular occasion. His name looks scary, however that in itself is more proof, as it was originally “Bow Sir” which shows just how polite he is.
Since it wasn’t the original theory, detectives dug deep into the evidence, and found many witnesses who claim the man in the overalls was attempting to coerce a brick into giving him its money, and, as bricks are people too, this is being investigated as possibly a hate crime, insurance fraud, theft, which includes brandishing of fireballs and turtle shells, as well as being sued by Mr. Bowsir for slander.
As for the health of this previously well regarded “hero,” it appears this is his 789th concussion. His lawyer, Luigi, says this may actually be the cause of his brick bashing, as he has so few brain cells remaining.
At publishing time, Goomba critics of the satirical site PoliSauce, say that there is “mushroom” for improvement.