Have you ever been at a sporting event, say, your nephews basketball game, or your local lacrosse tournament, and not known how to participate? Here are a few helpful tips!
1. Heckle when the opposing team does ANYTHING.
If your teams opponent is shooting a free throw, in a timeout, existing or doing anything else, be sure to heckle! A well, or not so well, placed “My grandmother can run faster than that!” or even something as simple as constant booing, choking sounds, or your impersonation of a chipmunk being crushed by a rhinoceros, is sure to lift your teams spirit.
2. Leave food and drink containers all over the seating area
If you want to appear a true sports fan, this is a must. Throw your popcorn, sunflower seeds, and other rubbish all over the bleachers. Try to spread it around. If you see empty seats, make sure to make that area dirty too. The janitorial staff will love it!
3. Insult the officials
In any sport, all the way up to the pros, there are these annoying people called referees that ALWAYS make the wrong calls. Just ignore the fact they are actually trained to do their job, and that human error does exist. Affectionate terms like “Hey Zebra” and “Do you need glasses, because I can totally see from this distant, terribly angled vantage point that you were wrong, I assume” go a long way in boosting your teams attitude, and also your likelihood of being asked to leave by the administrator.
4. Talk about your high school days
In the middle of a heated, back and forth game, or after a highlight reel play, make sure you annoy the other fans with irrelevant stories of your high-school sports career. This is especially effective when you didn’t play the sport you are spectating. This will give you some much needed extra room on the crowded seating arrangement.
5. Criticize Constantly
This is crucial to having a good time. If you didn’t use tips 1 or 3, this should cover your back. Every one of the people down there are yearning for your deconstructive criticism, so don’t keep them waiting. Talk about how layups are easy, or free throws are easy or how your dog could’ve hit that buzzer beater half court shot. Jump around angrily like an enraged toddler when the coach pulls your obviously underperforming, or just tired, child from the playing area.
Scream when the officials make the wrong call, or the right call, or an obvious call, or a phone call….you get the picture. Just be negative.
If you follow these tips, others will start too, and you can slowly build a toxic utopia of jerks up in the stands.
There are your 5 tips! Have a great day, and under no circumstances should you use these….also, if you already do, stop please, for the good of your reputation and our sanity.