Joe Biden Endorses Nationwide “7:00 pm Curfew” Mandate

Well, it’s been quite a week. Shortly after his endorsement of a nationwide mask mandate, Joe Biden, (who is old,) went the extra mile, recommending a 7:00 pm curfew for the entire nation. The following comments by Biden, (who is old,) were made last Tuesday:

“These here whippersnappers are too energetic! Back in my day, we didn’t even have alarm clocks! We had, uh, you know, the thing? With the water? Oh yeah! A garden hose! We’d use that thing all the time. Wakes a man right up, those good ol’ gardening tools! Say, have I ever told you guys about the time I…Heeeey! What are you doing, fat? I still got something to say!” The feed was abruptly cut off, as he was returned to his attic to take a nap.

The move was immediately lauded by prominent democrats like Nancy Pelosi, (who is old,) Barack Obama, (who is old,) and Elizabeth Warren, (who by now is fairly irrelevant, but old.) The mandate faced strong criticism from Republicans for being too “old-timey and restrictive,” but they were quickly silenced by “accidental” riots starting outside their homes.

The declaration was also praised by President Xi Jinping of China, (who is old,) and he plans to personally enforce the curfew, along with restrictions on all other aspects of individual freedom.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Joe Biden, (who is old,) has not been going to bed on time, reportedly going to bed at 7:01 pm, after a lengthy game of Bingo and some ginger snaps.

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