Report: Carl Needs to Shut Up.

This past year, we’ve had an unprecedented number of slackers joining our military. Among them is one Carl, whose last name has been censored for security reasons. Reportedly, this “Carl” has made appearances at occasional drills, showed up randomly at the worst moments possible during emergency situations, and become an internet sensation.

We have heard several rumors about this “Carl” and the havoc he’s been wreaking on our military. The following comment was obtained from an anonymous source within the ranks of the U.S. military:

“So, we were at drill yesterday, and out of nowhere this “Carl” shows up and starts singing “We will Rock You” right before we start. As the drills continue, it keeps getting worse. We don’t even think he’s actually been sworn in. He just sorta showed up.”

Reportedly, this “Carl” has been told to “shut up” on multiple occasions. Unfortunately, it’s very fun to say, “Shut up, Carl.” Thus, he has become an internet sensation, spawning endless memes and Gifs. Some people are even rumored to have changed their names to “Carl” so they can have an excuse to be introverted.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Bill does not show off his action figure collection to his coworkers. Bill is not a bonehead. Be like Bill.

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