Ellen Shows Ratings Skyrocket After Ellen Replaced With Cardboard Cutout

Earlier this month, the Ellen show was having problems, as it was losing ratings to the dumbest things. Among these was a toddler flushing a toilet repeatedly, a monkey assaulting a window, and a herd of lemmings hurling themselves off a cliff. This, of course, called for a drastic change in philosophy and staff, therefore, the producers suggested a cardboard cutout of the barely human slimebag be the main feature on the show.

Bob Floss, one of the production assistants, noted that Ms. Degeneres took the news surprisingly well, as she only threw herself into a wall, and then started screaming while writhing on the floor like an injured, angry, rabid, baby baboon. He noted that most often she hurts others, so the physical harm to herself only was a welcome change.

The first episode premiered last week, though the results weren’t much different, however this week the ratings have been steadily climbing, as viewers enjoy the silence rather than the continuous spewing of idiocy previously on the show.

At publishing time, there were reports noting the only way to make the show even better is to replace the cutout of her with a cutout of Abe Lincoln’s dog, or a turtle, or a pile of sand. The alternative being to cancel the entire show.

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