Report: Liberal Under Fire for Coming Out as Pro-Life

Brad Dawson, 34, has come under heavy fire recently for his statements concerning unborn Life. Yesterday at breakfast, he was reported to have said, “Man. I can’t believe all those people who hate Life. Life is crunchy. Life is awesome. How can you want to destroy Life before it’s even been created? Haters!”

His wife was in tears at the sight of her husband, condoning the protection of Life. She had tried so hard to raise their kids as progressives! Brad has gone and done it again. She is reported as having packed her bags and left him for a more radical hubby. She is currently en route to a cornfield, where she will teach her kids the dangers of various tasty grains that are “harmful to the environment.”

Shortly after his wife left, it was discovered that Brad had not been referring to her stances on abortion, but to his delicious bowl of Cinnamon Life he was eating for breakfast. Unfortunately, this changed nothing, as she hated cereal and would much rather have avocado toast.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that avocado toast was basically guacamole for people with sensitive teeth.

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