An unprecedented event took place this past Monday. According to witnesses, Joe Smith, “the whitest man with the whitest name,” leaped a record shattering eight inches off the ground! The previous record had been two and a half inches. In an interview with Mr. Smith, he was asked why he even attempted this unimaginable feat. He replied that he “thought it could be done, despite the scoffers who use movie titles as their main source of information.” It appears that the NBA was planning to recruit him, however, there were threats of a lawsuit against the association if they did not instead pick Chinadu Abebie, whose credentials were that he was deeply tanned. Sources confirm that Mr. Smith has a court hearing this Saturday, due to the fact that jumping higher than three inches is a hate crime for white people, as it can be construed as a “discriminatory action, meant to take jobs from African Americans and Latinos.”
At publishing time, Chandra Williams was being sued for jumping a fence, however, sources confirm the charges were dropped because she is female.