PoliSauce Inquires: The Frank Bertrand Interview

The following is the word-for-word exchange between modern theological genius Frank Bertrand and the PoliSauce Inquires Team.

PSI: “Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. Bertrand. It’s a pleasure to be able to interview such a prominent figure.”

Bertrand: “Well, the pleasure’s all mine! I understand you have some questions about my research.”

PSI: “That’s correct. We are wondering about your current theory that fruitcakes were invented on the ark.“

Bertrand: “Well, we’ve been wondering how dinosaurs actually became extinct. If Noah took two of every animal in the ark, it stands to reason dinosaurs were among them. So how did they die?”

“We reasoned that the dinosaurs were test subjects of a terrifying experiment with various kinds of semi-edible foods. Noah called this particular substance a “fruitcake,” although we have no real evidence to support that it is anything other than a purple rock that tastes like barf.”

PSI: “That makes sense. We’re following you so far.”

Bertrand: “Judging from the weight, consistency and taste of the common fruitcake, we believe there are traces of gopher wood, pitch, and two of every animal inside an average fruitcake.”

PSI: “Um, I guess that makes sense…”

Bertrand: “Also we found what we believe to be evidence for prehistoric donuts. A supposed donut was found buried deep in a box of Cheerios I opened yesterday.”

PSI: “I think that’s as much as we need to hear. As fake as we are, we cannot support that level of..”

Bertrand: “Finally! Solid evidence to support evolution! You’re wasting your time, reporters! Join the dark side! Muahahahahaha!!!!!”

PSI: “We should leave before he melts us with a ray gun.”

Search PoliSauce Inquires for more interviews with more-or-less prominent figures!

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