Theologians Claim Noah Invented Fruitcakes

In a groundbreaking new study, modern theologians claim Noah may have invented fruitcakes on the ark during the long 40 days and 40 nights of the Great Flood.

When asked in a recent PoliSauce Inquires interview, theologian Frank Bertrand said, “We have to question the origin of the fruitcake, as nobody ever eats a fruitcake unless they are stricken with extreme poverty, have a mental disorder, or have cultivated a taste for rocks. The only instance in which someone has ever been that desperate is when they were trapped in an ark with a limited supply of food.”

When asked how Noah would have acquired the fruit, Bertrand responded, “We have reason to believe fruitcakes are not actually comprised completely of fruit. Judging from the taste, consistency and weight of the common fruitcake, we believe there are traces of gopher wood, pitch, and two of every animal inside the fruitcake. This coincides with our current theory that dinosaurs are actually extinct because they were fed fruitcakes on the ark.”

At publishing time, Bertrand and his crew had discovered what was thought to be a donut fossil buried deep in a box of Cheerios.

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