PoliSauce Inquires: Interview with Jill Biden

The following is the full word-for-word excerpt of the PoliSauce Inquires Team’s interview with Jill Biden, wife of current presidential candidate Joe Biden.

PSI: “Thank you so very much for taking the time to meet with us today, Mrs. Biden.”

Jill B: “Oh, well. The pleasure’s all mine.”

PSI: “So, to start off the interview, we would like to ask you how it feels to be the wife and right arm of the Democratic nominee in these constantly shifting times of uncertainty.”

Jill B: “Well, to that I would say…it is quite the experience! As you said, these are ever shifting times so it’ll be hard to see ahead what will become of this fiasco for sure. I have hope that we’ll make it, and that he would be a FINE president, though!”

PSI: “You seem quite confident about that last part. Just for curiosity’s sake, what makes you so sure that he would make a fine president?”

Jill B: “Well, Joe has been in the game for a long time. He was Vice President to Obama for eight years, and was a-“

PSI: “Right, but that’s just experience in political fields that he never actually led in. The question is, what is it about him that makes you so sure that he will make a fine president?”

Jill B: “You know, I guess if you scrap all the political stuff off, it’s just faith. He’s my husband, and I support his train of direction fully.”

PSI: “Ok, fair enough. Now, a large area of concern that many people hold above your husband, is the fact that he’s very…touchy?”

Jill B: “Oh, hahaha. Yes, that’s my Joe. He just can’t keep his hands to himself.”

PSI: “Right, but that’s exactly the reason for that area of concern. Some of the people he’s touched and hugged seemed genuinely uncomfortable with it. I mean, come to think of it, nobody I’ve come across who hugged Biden has actually enjoyed it, much less grown to like him more. His reputation has started giving him the title of -“

Jill B: “Oh hogwash! Some people just don’t understand Joey. He’s kind, he’s affectionate…he’s…kind, he’s lovable, and quite the dancer!”

PSI: “Ok, bu-“

Jill B: “Ha, I remember our wedding night like it was last night. We got to the door, he attempted to carry me across the threshold, but dropping me nine times. Anyway, we stayed up till two in the morning dancing to the record player – oh, that was an invention before your time, mind you dear – playing Elvis Presley’s Hound Dog. He’s really not what the haters make him out to be.”

PSI: “Hmm, good to know.”

Jill B: “Yes dear.”

PSI: “Now, whenever I go out to vote for a candidate, I generally like someone who can take the burnt with the crisp, excuse the expression. Someone who actually takes control of the wheel and knows what he’s doing, if that makes any sense-“

Jill B: “Yes yes, of course.”

PSI: “However, I really don’t see a lot of this character development in your husband. What we have seen, and what even his supporters can’t hide, is his senile and forgetful ways of going about things. I mean, in a recent rally…he forgot half of the Preamble to the Constitution, referring to certain words as ‘thing’ and ‘he-she.’ Does he ever exhibit odd behavior in your home?”

Jill B: “Well, I suppose that would be none of your business…but since you asked, heheh, and I am itchy to talk about my life, I don’t see why I couldn’t answer your question.”

PSI: “Great, so-“

Jill B: “Hold up, this isn’t being broadcasted on television or anything, correct?”

PSI: “Oh, absolutely not. Absolutely not.”

Jill B: “Ok good. Carry on.”

PSI: “Does your husband ever show odd signs of being senile or such at home and in his private life?”

Jill B: “Well, yes he does. Typically, some days, it’s less obvious than others. But as a whole, definitely.”

PSI: “What are some examples?”

Jill B: “Well, there’s a lot now that you mention it. I’ll do my best to lay out some simple notable things.”

PSI: “Ok.”

Jill B: “Sometimes at night, I’ll wake up to a loud crash in the kitchen, followed by a light flicker and silverware clashing. Once I go down to investigate, I find my husband in the kitchen walking around the bar, a confused expression on his face, with a toast in his right hand, a butter knife in his left hand, and peanut butter all over the place! On the floor, on the counter, on his face – everywhere. then what I say is, ‘Joe! What are you doing?’ He suddenly looks at me like I’m a ghost or something, then seems to forget I’m there. He puts the toast into the fridge, the knife into the pantry, and hobbles back upstairs and into bed. All the while, I’m standing there thinking, ‘What just happened?!’

PSI: “Hmm. Now, I couldn’t help but hear you mention that this happens multiple times…?

Jill B: “Oh yes. Definitely.”

PSI: “How often would you say this happens?”

Jill B: “Wel-“

PSI: “Just as an average.”

Jill B: “Right. Well, I would honestly have to say about seven times a week, give or take a day.”

PSI: “Hmm, I see. Aside from these quirky nighttime episodes, do you know of any other, um…oddities that come up?”

Jill B: “Well, honestly these things happen so often that I don’t even know the difference anymore. But f you want some specifics: He loves sitting on fire hydrants when we go on evening strolls, he hugs random joggers and says they remind him of his long lost grand sister, and will even dump fish bowls upside down because he is “…saving the fish from drowning.”

PSI: “Now…keeping all this in mind, what qualities do you think he exhibits that would make him a fine president?”

Jill B: “Well, you know, as I have said before – I have faith in him. See, this odd behavior he has will have nothing to do with him being president. Biden is a strong, loving-“

PSI: “Oh I’m sure he’s ‘loving’ all right.”

Jill B: “See, and that’s where you start judging.”

PSI: “So, aside from all this evidence of Biden’s senile qualities, you still think he would make a good president. Correct?”

Jill B: “Absolutely.”

PSI: “Ok. Well thank you so much for your time, Mrs. Biden.”

Jill B: “The pleasure’s mine.”

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