In a tragic turn of events, the little town of Argusville, ND, has been ravaged by a horrifying occurrence just this past Monday. Brady Phillips, 21, killed nearly everyone he came into contact with, then killed himself in like manner.
After becoming the required age for many adult activities such as drinking, smoking, and going to jail, Brady’s rebellious streak kicked in, and he grabbed a pair of semi-automatic assault scissors from his desk. He reportedly ran through the streets of Argusville screaming, “I’m an aduuuuuult!” as he methodically lacerated everyone he ran past simply because he was running with a pair of dull pink and green scissors.
We at PoliSauce interviewed his mother on our critically-ignored news broadcast, in which we found some disturbing facts about the criminal. “Brady never meant any harm. He just wanted freedom, to be unlimited, to be himself. We had told him not to run with scissors for years and years, and I guess his curiosity got the best of him.” She sobbed relentlessly. “I’m just glad we didn’t tell him he was cutting bread with the wrong side of the knife. Imagine the carnage!” She then broke down and we could get no further info from her.
In a series of cutting remarks, Nancy Pelosi covered this incident at a recent press conference. “We were on the razor edge of extinction. We must ban these terrible weapons, because people aren’t very sharp these days. This is just a snippet of the terror to come.”