For the past three months, rumors have been floating around the world wide web that the Pentagon, in association with our current president, is in the middle of planning the construction of an 80 foot wall around Democratic nominee Joe Biden’s pricey mansion in D.C.. We are here to tell you that these rumors have been proven true, as just this morning at 3:07 A.M. Eastern Time information was leaked from the Pentagon with vital information concerning the plans. Though most of the rumored information is frighteningly similar to the actual details, they had one thing wrong: the wall’s perimeters are going to be 93 feet tall, not 80.
More detailed information of the endeavor includes seventy-seven security guards stationed outside the walls to guard it from anything entering, and sixty-six security guards stationed inside the walls to guard anything from getting out. Every night, the guards are to switch sides to avoid inside/outside conspiracy planning. On the third of every month, a helicopter will be scheduled to fly over the wall and drop supplies and essentials down. Absolutely no visitors are to come by except for former president Barack Obama and his wife.
What is the reasoning for this cruel act? The answer is most easily answered in a three fold style:
1. Biden could not keep his self-scent urge to a minimum. Every day before going out, Joe Biden has been said to smother himself in a mixture of perfume and cologne (to show himself “…unsexist and void of being, uh, uh, of being uh, of a masculine value…”) according to his ex-maid. He would then proceed to go on walks and gather a crowd of reporters to throng him, to which he would promise each a “…juicy story worth glancing over…” if they took turns smelling his “perlogne,” as he called the colorful mixture of perfumes and colognes he wore.
2. Biden simply could not keep his hands to himself (especially during press conferences and top meetings). During his time as Vice President, Biden was recorded to have hugged over six hundred thirty-eight individuals every week. Barack Obama commented on the extravagant case thus: “He, um, is a very affectionate partner who, uh, likes to show his affection through the gift, um, of uh affectionate hugging.” As White House officials stated in the leaked papers, this non-permanent quarantine of the Bidens will hopefully thin out this issue.
3. Biden has shown signs of forgetfulness and senile ness. The 78 year old politician has had a recent history of spurting out the most random of things. In several recent speeches and rallies, he has seemed to forget important parts of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence – filling in the voids with what seems like fragments of a middle schooler’s impromptu speech. Here is an excerpt of a recent interview with Joe’s wife, Jill, that The PoliSauce Inquire Team conducted:
Jill: “Sometimes at night, I’ll wake up to a loud crash in the kitchen, followed by a light flicker and silverware clashing. Once I go down to investigate, I find my husband in the kitchen walking around the bar, a confused expression on his face, with a toast in his right hand, a butter knife in his left hand, and peanut butter all over the place! On the floor, on the counter, on his face – everywhere. Then what I say is, ‘Joe! What are you doing?’ He suddenly looks at me like I’m a ghost or something, then seems to forget I’m there. He puts the toast into the fridge, the knife into the pantry, and hobbles back upstairs and into bed. All the while, I’m standing there thinking, ‘What just happened?!’
PSI: “Hmm. Now, I couldn’t help but hear you mention that this happens multiple times…?
Jill: “Oh yes. Definitely.”
PSI: “How often would you say this happens?”
PSI: “Just as an average.”
Jill: “Right. Well, I would honestly have to say about seven times a week, give or take a day.”
PSI: “Hmm, I see. Aside from these quirky nighttime episodes, do you know of any other, um…oddities that come up?”
Jill: “Well, honestly these things happen so often that I don’t even know the difference anymore. But if you want some specifics: He loves sitting on fire hydrants when we go on evening strolls, he hugs random joggers and says they remind him of his long lost grand sister, and will even dump fish bowls because he is “…saving the fish from drowning.”
The regulations for Biden’s quarantine may seem severe, but they are not permanent and are made with the intentions that it will cure him of his problems, and make him a much happier citizen and forerunner of the Democratic Party this year.
NOTE: Full excerpt of Jill Biden’s interview will be posted soon! Look for it under “PoliSauce Inquires Team”!