San Diego, CA
A man was beaten mercilessly by a seemingly deranged woman, this past Friday. Pedro Rodriguez, 21, has been identified as the victim. According to witnesses, the unfortunate human walked up to a fruit stand, and asked the girl at the counter if he could have a date. She then reached through the window, grabbed his shirt collar, and flung him to the ground. As he attempted to rise, she flew out of the stand, and proceeded to wail on him with a pineapple. The woman was arrested for this act of brutality, however, the Mr. Rodriguez has told the press he is not going to press charges. When asked why he is showing this woman mercy for her terrible act, he noted that it was a simple misunderstanding. In an interview conducted by the PoliSauce Inquires team, he revealed the backstory. “I have really liked her for a while, but every time I ask her on a date she says no. She says I am too down to business, and have no sense of compassion. I tell her I think this is not true, but she insist on rejecting me. Last time I ask, she say she will hurt me if I ask again, so I say ok, I understand.”
Sources confirm that this is correct, citing multiple times when the victim was seen crying loudly and running fully clothed into a nearby body of water. This also seems to have been a misconception on his part, after she allegedly told him to “Go jump in a lake.”
When reached for a statement, Cathryn Ellington stated that he was correct in his description of the relationship, and conversation leading up to this event. She went on to say that he walked up to her stand, and asked her for a date. She took this as him disregarding her previous threats, and decided she had to take action on this one.
When told he was actually asking for fruit, she apologized, and he did not press charges. Also, in light of his merciful act, it appears that they are going to get together after all, although probably nobody cares.